How it many cold drinks did you have the previous hot weekend? Who did you visit? I personally had a great weekend. I visited my family and had a great time with my mum and my old buddies in the old capital. Enough about me, today is a special Monday (It happens to be my baby sister’s birthday, Happy Birthday to that pretty soul!). Since we all know how Mondays can get, it’s time to get out of your comfort zone and get productive again. I believe you are in great health, emotionally to be precise. So today we will continue our ride with a new episode from Letters From The School Of Bitter Truth. Remember, this is a series that contains a continuous flow of random thoughts and random topics that most people don’t like to talk about. These ideas are presented as articles. I’m just a vessel. As always, you can bring suggestions on the topics you would love me to discuss in the coming Mondays. Just leave it in the comment box and I will get it in my mail box.  Start your week fresh and mentally and emotionally geared with this therapeutic straight talk piece . Have a blast fam. As always, have a productive week.

Love, Sex & Money: The Relationship Holding Trinity

We have been raised in a society where public expression of free thoughts on topics like sex and atheism is detrimentally connected to immorality (I’m a victim by default_ the black sheep). We often choose to ignore the fact that our day to day experiences are what weave the nest of our social lives and that the beauty of life itself lies in the relationships we share as humans. Yes, I said it! Life is beautiful when you are surrounded by people who cherish and appreciate your existence, people who see you as a vital part of their lives and vise versa. Relationships are a complicated endeavor, nobody should tell you otherwise (romantic relationships, just to be clear!).

Everyone has a different agenda when they get into a relationship and this uncertainty is what brings drama as time passes. Many times men have been blamed for the failure of love affairs for reasons like lack of attention and failure to express affection to their lovers or worse still failure to perform satisfactory in bed. Women have their fair share of the predicament as well. Some have been blamed for gold digging and asking for too much; emotionally, sexually and financially. These are the realities we deal with every day in our society (which most of you feel uncomfortable to talk about, shame!). Both men and women have their own insecurities which eventually revolve within what I have called the “Relationship Holding Trinity” (don’t waste time judging my choice of words, focus on the gist you smart soul). This Trinity is the focal point of building and sustaining a health relationship. Love, sex and money are the key. If you’re able to knit together these three in your relationship be assured, to a great extent, to be kept by that person (there is no guarantee due to the complexity of our nature as humans ofcourse. But this is the highest bidder-approach you can bet your heart on).

I know some of you might have been brainwashed into believing that love is all that a relationship needs. I’m sorry to disappoint you but that’s just another lie that society has made you believe. Love is undoubtedly an important aspect for building and sustaining a relationship. It is important to never over look any actions of affection directed to you when in a relationship. It is equally substantial to understand that this affection is understood differently between men and women. However, it is a mutual hunger between lovers to be complemented, respected (very important to him), given attention (very vital to her), cared for and supported. When you love someone and you’re committed, you do selfless things towards the person you project your love to.This is the platonic aspect in your relationship where heartfelt gestures and compassion manifest. Basically this is the center of emotional attachment. The love I’m talking about here is the one where there is chemistry between the two of you, without even getting physical. Your mental or intellectual compatibility reveals itself in how satisfied you’re with each other by just looking at and talking to each other. That beautiful feeling where you get chills all over your spine or feel an indescribable yearning in your heart by just sinking into the lover’s eyes as you sneak peek into their soul. Yes! That feeling my friend! We all need to be cherished and feel wanted, that’s what love is all about. This is a vital aspect of your relationship and you compulsorily need it. Your relationship has a chance to grow and survive if you have this pillar built strong. Wait, that is not all! Love on it’s own won’t keep that woman/man. No matter how much affection you show or give, it’s not enough on it’s own.  

This is where the other two stepping Stones come in. Love is essential for any romantic relationship to work but so is sex and money. Let’s be honest here, who doesn’t want to be surprised with gifts? Who doesn’t want to be taken out on those sweet romantic dates? Show me a man or woman who doesn’t like being spoiled by their lover? It’s just our nature to have pleasure and live that comfy and luxury lifestyle. It requires nothing but money. No matter how much love or affection you have, it will never buy a meal, love is not currency!!. I know there are some of you thinking we don’t need all that. It’s okay, be in denial (I really don’t have time to lecture you on something so obvious, sorry). The truth is, we all want that good life, that financial independence. The financial muscle is an important aspect in your relationship and, I will be a little biased here, specifically to the male figure (it’s probably how our society has propagated our gender roles, so I don’t want to complicate things by denying such a reality). My brother you need money to build and sustain your relationship. My sister, you’re not being a gold digger if you consider financial stamina and capability when you are choosing your lover. Don’t ever be fooled into believing it’s old fashion to consider your admirer’s financial status and potentials. You will need money to support each other in crisis, you will need money for those dates, visits, lodging and eventually you will need money to build that descent home you have always dreamed of. It makes no sense to enslave yourself to someone whose financial status and potentials are impotent. My brother, you don’t have to burden yourself with a woman whose financial potentials are unclear. We should accept that things have changed and when it comes to bringing food on the table, your partner has to be an asset too. Infact a woman that is financially wise and matured is the best keeper of them all. There is tranquility in a relationship (marriage too) where financial stamina is stable and sustainable. Our emotional and sexual excitement should not overwhelm us into forgetting our need to survive because at the end of the day there is no way you can smile and say those “I love you” words or enjoy your lover in bed on an empty stomach or leaking roof. Money is equally important in building and sustaining relationships. Work on your hustle and be assured of keeping that Bea for life.

At this point now, love is there, money is there and you somehow feel  convinced that it’s enough. Wrong!!!! This brings us to the third piller; Sex. This is one of the most snubbed but important aspects that hold relationships. I know most of you agree with me despite the fact that you don’t want me to get in detail on the sex part (deep down your perverted mind wants me to go deeper). I will be blunt on this; if your sexual life is unhealthy as a couple – it’s game over! Wait maybe you didn’t understand; if sex between the two of you is not enough, satisfying and enjoyable, your relationship is prone to not work out. People often overlook this aspect in a relationship but in reality most cheating cases are a result of non satisfactory sexual pleasure. Sex is one of the greatest gifts that nature has bestowed on humanity and minus procreation it’s sole purpose is to be enjoyed in all perceivable ways. If you don’t perform properly in bed, you are doomed my friend. This is a fact that most of us are in denial of. Initially, when people get into relationships, they make a mistake of being “understanding” when the sex is bad. Eventually they get bored (especially if they have had a health sexual experience in a previous relationship). It is this boredom that pushes one to go seek for better sexual experience from a different person (mostly ex partners, watch out!) hence cheating which consequently ends into a break up (divorce sometimes if first intercourse was after exchanging vowels). The good news on this relationship pillar, just like the others, is that there is room for improvement if there’s transparency between the two of you. So no matter how much you love that person, always remember and make sure that you are giving them that mind blowing sexual experience or else you will lose them to higher bidders. Work your sex game up, these men/women want freaky things you have no idea of! Learn to open up and discuss your sexual expectations and preferences with your partner, don’t leave each other guessing. Avoid embarrassing yourself with the try and errors. There is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s our nature. Don’t lose your soulmate because you have failed to meet his/her sexual needs. We all can do better than what we think we are capable of. We all just need to understand what needs to be done and get in action.

We can all agree at this juncture that the Trinity is an important aspect of holding together a relationship. I know there are many other different aspects that are essentially important in building and sustaining a relationship but I find these to be the most appealing. Mind you, these don’t necessarily need to be equally perfect or in their best form, just make sure you do your best in two, at least, as you work on improving the last aspect. The beauty of these aspects is that they are all open to improvement. You can improve on your way of expressing affection, you can improve your sexual performance and you can improve your financial muscle. We all have a chance of building and sustaining a relationship after all. I should be honest with you here, if anyone cheats on you after you have successfully given them these three; they are just heartless, ungrateful, soulless and don’t deserve any inch of you or they are just stupid, or even just evil! It is not your fault at this level. You did everything right, you just did it to the wrong person. Relationships might be complicated and not easy to get on with but you can trust this Trinity to be the backbone of that relationship you dream to keep. Don’t be fooled that love is what matters only! Sex matters too and money is equally important too. Let’s learn to accept these undeniable realities and save ourselves from the stupid stigmatisation of “men are dogs” and “women are golddiggers”. Let’s build our Trinity and enjoy our relationships.

#Ntho’sPen✍️

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Joseph Daniel Sukali is a Malawian freelance writer, blogger, award winning spoken word poet and a mental health advocate. Some of his works have been published in the Best “New” African Poet 2020 ANTHOLOGY, Writers Global Movement (WGM) magazine and several other local and international magazines. He is also a contributor to an online library Good Literature Malawi, columnist of Malawi Talents Magazine and editor of Love Feast Magazine. Sukali has authored and published a book "Dealing with a Heartbreak: Therapy for the Broken-A Health Relationship Guide”. He is also a co-author of a poetry anthology "Whispers of Beating Hearts". His 2020 spoken word album “Wonders Of My Perception” is available for free download online. The 26 year old is a holder of a bachelor's degree obtained from Mzuzu University. Apart from being a wordsmith, Joseph Daniel Sukali is currently an employee of Emmanuel International Malawi and he is also an ambassador for Maphunziro265 Malawi.

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