There’s probably nothing that I have written that doesn’t leave some people mad or bitter at me. A few hearts will break from this bitter honesty pill I want to serve in here again. You will get better don’t worry(muchila). Don’t hate the messenger, hate the message if you must. This is undiluted rare truth you may find in this “lie to them if you must, just don’t hurt them with the truth” world. Don’t get any sense of discomfort at the face of unpopular opinions. Sometimes your social dogmatic attitudes and approaches to some realities of life may leave you mentally enslaved for life. Be open minded and understand this piece as it is. Okay, let’s get to it now.

We are in a generation that’s fast moving and everyone is in a competition with the person they grew up with (Believe me, your friends are the wickedest secret enemies, they’re the key to your destruction and defeat_story of another day). People have not found their own purpose in life so they go around trying to be better than their friends who are constantly outshining them because they found their purpose with their lives. The goal is to be happy and if you ask me what brings happiness to one’s life, well, I think it’s knowing your purpose. When you know your purpose you find gratification in what you do and gratitude normalizes in your life. This is applicable in all spheres of your life. Everything becomes meaningful if it serves your main purpose. This is why it is very important to understand your purpose in everything you do, be it in a relationship, at school, work and your society at large. I will focus very much on the relationship purpose.

When you start to build a relationship, it is the purpose that drives you throughout. Most of you have started relationships without a purpose (I have done the same before too). Just because you have felt attracted to the person, you believe it’s enough, after all it’s love that matters the most (do you honestly believe that?). You don’t even know what you want. This is where the whole trap is. If you can’t define the purpose of your relationship, it’s not going to yield the results you anticipate no matter how much you wish it goes there.

I want you to understand that you can not have sex in a relationship whose purpose is friendship. Already this breaks the relationship. There is something deeply connected to emotional knitting with sex. You should also understand that if you don’t know the purpose of your romantic relationship, no matter how much you want it to materialize into marriage, it won’t. Never! Here you must be aware that marriage is only a product of two individuals who mutually understand their relationship purpose. Don’t you ever waste your time expecting marriage as the outcome of a relationship in which the other person sees no marriage material in you as a partner. Be careful here. The art of deception is so strong these days and people wear masks that are so thick if you are not patient enough in learning them you may buy the act.

Due to the competition and pressure in the society (the likes of mukwatila liti?), people have tried to forcefully change purposes of their relationships. This is a gamble. Sometimes it works if the change is mutually convenient. A good example is a relationship that begun as “no strings attached”. For this type of relationship to end into a meaningful relationship that might drive the couple into marriage, it must be mutually decided in line with covinience. The purpose can be redefined and reworked by both parties. This is a rare scenario. On the other hand, reality clearly shows that it often doesn’t work quiet well. Just because you feel like you need to get married, don’t push any romantic relationship you have into marriage. You will only drag yourself into hell (or the other person and that’s disastrous for the both of you).

So many people don’t understand why they get into a relationship. We have brought confusion into our romantic relationships by our overwhelming expectations of marriage at the end of the day. Well, that’s the root of our emotional slavery. If it is marriage that you’re looking for, it’s not going to be found in the first person you date (unless you are one of the lucky ones, if it’s luck at all). You should understand that marriage is a product of a tough decision. I mean, you get to choose and accept an individual to be the person that upsets you or brightens your days for the rest of your life (imagine accepting or choosing the wrong one just because you want to be married! That’s suicide!). The main issue here is to choose and accept. In a world of more than a billion options, why expect to be the chosen one if your friend has not accepted his or her choice yet? (Quick advice: Cut your expectations from people if you want to live a happy life)

Most people don’t understand that every relationship is not necessarily supposed to end into marriage (if they do, they are trapped by denial at the end). People start a relationship with you because they want to get to know you, build a connection with you and test the compatibility of the two of you. She is only dating you to know if you’re worth and dependable enough to be someone she can spend loving and trusting for the rest of her life. He is only dating you because he wants to see if you are supportive enough of his aspirations and ambitions. That person is only dating you to know you. It is not necessarily a guarantee of marriage. Remember you need to be chosen and be accepted. Don’t expect it to automatically end into marriage if you are dating someone who understands their purpose. They will honestly tell you if they don’t find you compatible enough or not finding you worth enough to gratify their marriage goals. The earlier you understand that dating means an opportunity to learn a person and be learned before you decide where the relationship goes the better. It’s the time you need to be most honest with yourself and honest to the other person. Bring out the sheep and beast in you without holding anything back. Who you truly are is important to be known as you are dating. At the end you will be kept for good or you will be let go. Read that again.

Most of us have difficult in dealing with not being chosen and accepted (being let go). We look at it as “rejection” instead of an opportunity to meet someone that won’t let go of us. We expect too much from people. We trust our hope so much that we lose sight of the reality on the ground. This often happens when you give in so much, invest all your will power and sacrifice a lot in the relationship like you were married already! (Let that sink in). This is what is crushing a lot of hearts. We have not fully understood the purpose of dating. We have become wives to our boyfriends and we have become husbands to our girlfriends (I know it stings since you are doing the same thing in your current relationship- or you did before).

This is why a lot of people get broken so much. We miss the basic understanding that dating someone doesn’t entail marriage even if it’s the initial goal. From our traditional understanding, I get it that we anticipate a “will you marry me?” after a few months of an “I love you”. This is ridiculously stupid (I’m unapologetic on that). We have become slaves of our own expectations. We ought to become masters of reality instead of winning about things we have no control of. There is no way you can push someone to choose you if you’re not appealing to them. Even if you date for 7 years, you have no one to blame if it doesn’t end in marriage (maybe yourself for not noticing earlier that your expectations were too high and unrealistic). If you don’t learn that marriage comes with mutual preparedness, acceptance and choosing then you will always end up broken in every romantic relationship.

Who you choose and accept might not accept or choose you. While you’re dating, remember you’re on a junction. You can either go together on one road or you can go separate ways. It is okay to walk out of that relationship if it doesn’t give you the marriage satisfactory expectations you envision. It is okay to live that guy alone if his purpose in life will crush with your own. Trust me brother, it is okay to walk out of that relationship if you are convinced that she is not the one for you than marrying her out of pity. We all need to normalize walking out of toxic relationships. We should normalize walking away from abusers, liars, cheats and all who do not care for us when dating. 

Always remember that every negative character tolerated when dating becomes worse In marriage. A break up is much better than divorce. Don’t force yourself into marriage. It’s okay not to get married to the person you are dating now and it’s okay to end the relationship if it has no future and no purpose. It is okay if you’re partner breaks up with you. Be okay not to be accepted or chosen. Find your purpose, accept who you’re and make yourself a priority, the rest will follow. Dating is just an opportunity and not an end to a means in itself. 

There is no crime in leaving someone or being left because you were not good enough for marriage. As much as it hurts in the beginning, it is the most sweet thing anyone can do to you unlike dragging you into a walk of shame in the name of marriage. Just normalize the idea that not every relationship will end into marriage, some will end in tears my dear. It’s better to let it end in tears than into a toxic marriage and a broken home. Forever is a long time. Be wise. Never say I never told you.

Feedback: joedansukali@gmail.com/+265998896206

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Joseph Daniel Sukali is a Malawian freelance writer, blogger, award winning spoken word poet and a mental health advocate. Some of his works have been published in the Best “New” African Poet 2020 ANTHOLOGY, Writers Global Movement (WGM) magazine and several other local and international magazines. He is also a contributor to an online library Good Literature Malawi, columnist of Malawi Talents Magazine and editor of Love Feast Magazine. Sukali has authored and published a book "Dealing with a Heartbreak: Therapy for the Broken-A Health Relationship Guide”. He is also a co-author of a poetry anthology "Whispers of Beating Hearts". His 2020 spoken word album “Wonders Of My Perception” is available for free download online. The 26 year old is a holder of a bachelor's degree obtained from Mzuzu University. Apart from being a wordsmith, Joseph Daniel Sukali is currently an employee of Emmanuel International Malawi and he is also an ambassador for Maphunziro265 Malawi.

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